February 18, 2014


It was the end of my Freshmen year. No alcohol or drugs involved. It was a friend of mine who told me after what happened that he thought that it would make me happier, and it seemed like I wanted it, even though I had explicitly told him to stop while it was happening. I still don't know if he fully understands how much the situation hurt and changed me.

After what happened, I no longer felt like my sexuality had any worth. By some technical definitions I was still a "virgin" but that had little meaning anymore. I felt like someone could easily take away any more innocence that I had, even if I was unwilling. I started dating another guy when the next school year started, and within a month I decided that it was okay for us to have sex. Not because I was definitely ready, but because I wanted it to be my choice when I gave someone that last bit of my "virginity". Luckily, I do not regret the decision (yet), but I know that it was not one I would have made before.

Being a survivor opened my eyes to how often this happens. This should not be the case--people need to know how common [sexual violence] is before they are put in a situation where it can happen to them.

I still have not been able to tell my family what happened. I was raised in a very conservative Christian household, and I am still scared of what they might think of me if I would bring it up to them.

To be honest, this is the first time that I have felt comfortable sharing the experience with someone other than 1) my significant other, who helped me through the coping process when I told him what had happened 2) Two of my closest female friends who talked to me when they were victims of sexual violence.

[Note from the editor: This is one of the many anonymous anecdotes and survey responses collected for the dx/dt project that were not used in the film. They are being posted here as contributions to the discussion of sexual violence, relationship abuse, and stalking in the MIT community. Thank you to all of the authors of these posts for your willingness to speak out.]