February 18, 2014

It's never your fault.

I had my best GPA the semester of my assault. I also was at an unhealthily low weight. I threw myself into academics and athletics rather than dealing with the emotional pain I was going through. Sometimes I hate that I had positive outcomes: my advisor and my coach often say "Remember last spring? Why can't you perform like that?"

Because nobody's raping me anymore, that's why.

It has vastly impacted my sex life and how I view orgasms. I have taken to feminist sex and taking control of my own pleasure rather than letting someone else decide it (even though it's someone else giving me pleasure).

Saying no is terrifying. It's not your fault that you couldn't muster the courage. It's never your fault.

[Note from the editor: This is one of the many anonymous anecdotes and survey responses collected for the dx/dt project that were not used in the film. They are being posted here as contributions to the discussion of sexual violence, relationship abuse, and stalking in the MIT community. Thank you to all of the authors of these posts for your willingness to speak out.]