It replays constantly

I was a freshman in high school - fifteen. It started with an older male student hitting on me and making comments about my appearance in a P.E. class, and it escalated from there. I would have nightmares where I thought I could feel him touching me, and I'd wake up sweating and terrified and sick to my stomach. All I wanted to do was scrub my skin violently until it all came off. I wanted to burn. I hated myself because I became his object.

I never told anyone in my family, nor did I report it to anyone. In the 6 years since it happened, I've told 3 close friends. They have each responded with reassurances that it's over now, that I'm safe, and that I'd be able to tell someone (authorities) about it if something like that ever happened to me again. I don't know if that's true. I didn't tell anyone at the time because I felt like I was lucky. I obviously wasn't able to protect myself, so if I told someone and he found out, what was stopping it from escalating from assault to flat out rape? I'm not sure I feel any differently about that now.

I threw myself into school. My body wasn't worth anything anymore, and I hoped that maybe my mind could be instead.

Sexual violence isn't something that happens to you once. It replays constantly: in your mind, in your dreams, as you pass people walking on the street.

[Note from the editor: This is one of the many anonymous anecdotes and survey responses collected for the dx/dt project that were not used in the film. They are being posted here as contributions to the discussion of sexual violence, relationship abuse, and stalking in the MIT community. Thank you to all of the authors of these posts for your willingness to speak out.]

All the magic is ruined.

Young boys can be abused by older women, and it affects us just as much.

I was still fairly young when I tried to tell my family. Most of them didn't believe me, or else dismissed it as not a big deal. I haven't tried telling anyone else since then. Mostly I try to forget that it ever happened.

I developed intimacy issues. I feel very little joy when I'm kissing or cuddling with someone because it reminds me of how I was coerced into doing it when I was a child. All the magic is ruined.

[Note from the editor: This is one of the many anonymous anecdotes and survey responses collected for the dx/dt project that were not used in the film. They are being posted here as contributions to the discussion of sexual violence, relationship abuse, and stalking in the MIT community. Thank you to all of the authors of these posts for your willingness to speak out.]

 

Aftereffects

I was sixteen at the time. My high school ex-boyfriend was constantly getting me to have sex with him. I tried protesting the first few times but he ignored it. It got to the point where I gave up trying and just let it happen. Now I hate myself for not standing up for myself.

I'm too ashamed to tell my parents what my ex-boyfriend did to me, especially because they really liked him. Memories of what happened were triggered this year, and I began to do miserably in all of my classes. Right now I'm barely passing. Socially, I became very quiet. I began mumbling rather than talking and I hardly left my room.

[Note from the editor: This is one of the many anonymous anecdotes and survey responses collected for the dx/dt project that were not used in the film. They are being posted here as contributions to the discussion of sexual violence, relationship abuse, and stalking in the MIT community. Thank you to each of the authors of these posts for your willingness to speak out.]

Taking Sides

It happened the summer after my freshman year. I was in an ILG. He was many years older than me, and started touching me in ways I wasn't too keen on. I wasn't sure how to say no or what to do, so I pretended to fall asleep. He kept going. It was horrible. I had to face this person on a weekly basis for weeks. Nobody else knows. It hurts to hear people talk about how much they like him and how nice of a guy he is, but I guess they have no way of knowing since I never told anyone else in the house. He's gone now, and I don't regret not saying anything. People would have been forced to take sides, and I'm afraid they would have taken his.

There was another incident with a different person a few years later that hasn't been nearly as emotionally stressful. It was less violating and I was more prepared to deal with it this time. I told alumni of my ILG (he was a member in another chapter), and it was taken care of privately as per my wishes. I would not have wanted to live through the nightmare of a court case, especially as an MIT student.

I did not tell my family. I have only told my boyfriend. The first time I told him, he didn't really listen I guess. I mentioned it a second time and described it in more detail. He was pretty shocked. It has made me more of a feminist, and makes me more angry/emotional when I see bullshit like the victim blaming and perpetrator excusing that happened in the Steubenville rape case.

[Note from the editor: This is one of the many anonymous anecdotes and survey responses collected for the dx/dt project that were not used in the film. They are being posted here as contributions to the discussion of sexual violence, relationship abuse, and stalking in the MIT community. Thank you to each of the authors of these posts for your willingness to speak out.]

Changing Schools

 The [sexual violence] in my life was in my childhood, and was discovered via therapy. My parents were informed by the therapist, and reacted by changing the school that I went to, and cutting off the violent friendship. I didn't find out why those changes had occurred until years later, when it was explained to me exactly what had transpired. I also have a friend who experienced [sexual violence] this year, and I, as well as our mutual friends reacted with shock, and support. As much as you know it happens here, or has happened to you, it's always surprising when it happens to someone you care about.

  

[Note from the editor: This is one of the many anonymous anecdotes and survey responses collected for the dx/dt project that were not used in the film. They are being posted here as contributions to the discussion of sexual violence, relationship abuse, and stalking in the MIT community. Thank you to all of the authors of these posts for your willingness to speak out. If you recognize a post as your own and would like it taken down, please email saturdaynightatmit@gmail.com immediately.]